From 2010154beb89c73ba93e3b90a097b31a5e7c8072 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Andrew Janke Date: Thu, 26 Feb 2015 19:47:43 -0500 Subject: [PATCH] Validate outfile format using fortune --- plugins/chucknorris/fortunes/chucknorris | 3250 +++++++++---------- plugins/chucknorris/tools/scrape-norris.zsh | 18 +- 2 files changed, 1641 insertions(+), 1627 deletions(-) diff --git a/plugins/chucknorris/fortunes/chucknorris b/plugins/chucknorris/fortunes/chucknorris index 6b44dc644..071b89fa8 100644 --- a/plugins/chucknorris/fortunes/chucknorris +++ b/plugins/chucknorris/fortunes/chucknorris @@ -98,1543 +98,31 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % -Chuck Norris can win in a top spinning tournament with a cube -% -Beware of dogs... Dogs, beware of Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris can dig a hole in air. -% -The apple falls far from the tree, when a roundhouse kick is taken to the trunk. -% -Chuck Norris - the new standard. -% -Chuck Norris told me to put this here. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't exhale. The air runs desperately scared out of his lungs. -% -Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic -% -When Chuck Norris goes to rodeos, bulls ride him. -% -Chuck Norris once walked down a street with his fists in his pockets. He was then arrested for concealing two deadly weapons. -% -The meaning of life is Chuck Norris -% -Chuck Norris is the meaning of life. Too bad he's also the meaning of death. -% -If God doesn't know, Chuck does -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -When God said "Let there be light!", Chuck Norris said "Only for half the day -% -Chuck Norris went up the creek without a paddle... or a canoe -% -Chuck Norris once asked a man to turn down his music, he refused, that man's baby was born deaf. -% -Chuck Norris found the hay in the needle stack. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't need to brush his teeth, his spit acts as a bleach. -% -Chuck Norris once had a street named after him. But the name removed at once, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris, and lives -% -The planes in 9/11 were not hijacked. Chuck Norris was just playing with his old radio controller. -% -Machiavelli said it is better to be feared than loved because he was inspired by Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris Can Play the Theme from the Twilight Zone with His Beard -% -Chuck Norris pees Adamantium -% -The Beatles are on iTunes because Chuck Norris bought a Mac. -% -Chuck Norris once rounhouse kicked a football ...... it is now considered as a planet -% -Chuck Norris yells at Drill Sergeants -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -There is no such thing as being hard its called the Chuck Norris factor. -% -When Chuck Norris goes to the library, he looks for the guinness book of records in the comedy section. -% -Chuck Norris can shoot a person 28 times with an unloaded gun. -% -Chuck Norris' personal airplane is called Air Force Chuck -% -The letters in Chuck Norris cannot be unscrambled. -% -Cops don't need a badges in their wallets but only a picture of Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris was the reason why the Great Wall of China was constructed. It failed miserably. -% -If you see a man in the street who looks like Chuck Norris, but isn't, run: you don't want to be caught in the resulting roundhouse kick to his face. -% -The red phone in the oval office...Rings directly to Chuck Norris Cell Phone -% -The only way sharks will come near CN underwater is when CN is inside of a cage. -% -Chuck Norris uses a real mouse to move the cursor, type on the keyboard, write e-mails, code entire websites, use photoshop, bring coffee. -% -If Chuck Norris were to get into a fight with another Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris would win. -% -"2012" is code for, Chuck Norris when he is pissed. -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -In the back of the book of world records, it says "All records are held by Chuck Norris. The ones listed are in second place." -% -The only place where the Starship Enterprise refuses to boldly go is Chuck Norris' planet...which is all of them. -% -Chuck Norris once had a pet monkey........his name was KING KONG -% -Chuck Norris can make his own megazord "The Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kickers Ultimate Super Awesome Megazord" -% -Simon doesn't say...Chuck Norris says. -% -When does Chuck Norris run out of shotgun bullets?.....whenever he wants to. -% -Chuck Norris can turn toast back into bread -% -Chuck Norris started Chuck Norris. -% -Ever wonder what really happened to the dinosaurs? They all dug their own graves when they heard Chuck Norris was coming -% -Chuck Norris killed Kemper -% -Did you here about the boy who cried Chuck Norris? -% -Chuck Norris can't perform Hadoukens, he IS a Hadouken -% -Behind every successful man is Chuck Norris -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read. He just stares at the book until he gets the information he wants. -% -Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris got to it first. -% -When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000. -% -Chuck Norris can milk an alligator -% -Chuck Norris doesn't eat, he just sucks the energy out of food by staring at it -% -Chuck Norris once proved p^~p by induction on his beard hairs. -% -The reason why batman only comes out at night is because he's afraid he might encounter Chuck Norris in the Morning and afternoon. -% -Chuck Norris can bake in a Freezer. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing any broadway theater that plays "The Nutcracker". He claims its an infringement on his "other" roundhouse kick. -% -Chuck Norris once had a weak moment, just to know what it felt like. -% -Note to everyone: Please do not give beans to Chuck Norris or do you want another atombomb on hiroshima? -% -Chuck Norris has made a 148 break a snooker. -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -http://chucknorrisfacts.com/ is built in Drupal because Chuck Norris knows a good CMS when he sees one. -% -The producers of the movie "The Last Airbender" are now in talks with Chuck Norris in Order to star him in their next sequal "The Last Skull Bender". -% -Some boots were made for walking. Some boots may walk all over you, but Chuck Norris' boot walk THROUGH you. -% -World War II began because Chuck Norris took a nap. When he woke up, Hitler found out and killed himself out of fear Chuck Norris would kill him. -% -The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, it's knowing that Chuck Norris let you live. -% -Only Chuck Norris can win the mind game, 'cause he never minds. -% -Do you know why Chuck Norris didn't star in The Expandebles? Because all the others guys would have surrended at the beginning. -% -Bruce Lee didn't defeat Chuck Norris. Chuck hit Bruce with a Delayed roundhouse kick that was so fast that Lee only felt the impact a year later! -% -Chuck Norris doesn't need a bulletproof vest to be bulletproof -% -When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money. -% -Merlin was Chuck Norris' assistant. -% -If you put in the correct cheat code in Halo 2, you can have Master Cheif play without his helmet; revealing to be Chuck Norris. -% -Those who ignore history, are doomed by Chuck Norris. -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -Some kids pee their name in snow. Chuck Norris pees his name in concrete. -% -The Matrix Trilogy would have ended on the first movie if Keanu Reeves said, “I know Chuck Norris.” -% -Chuck Norris created Heavy Metal when he was upset -% -Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag. -% -When things go bump in the night.... it's Chuck Norris -% -Chuck Norris fed the Hunger Games -% -Chuck Norris played "Got your Nose" with Voldemort and won. -% -Chuck Norris had a knife thrown at him............ the knife didn't impale him, he impaled the knife -% -Chuck Norris doesn't let it go. -% -You know Chuck Norris' pet lizard, right? Last I heard, he was in the movie "Godzilla". Oh, and his pet turtle starred in "Gamera" as well. -% -Whatever Chuck Norris wants, it will instantly appear. -% -Chuck Norris once cut a knife with a stick of butter. -% -Chuck Norris shops at Sam's Club, but leaves without having his receipt checked -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -In 1945 The US army asked if they could clone Chuck Norris. instead he said he could sort out the Japanese. -% -One glance from Chuck Norris and snow turns itself yellow. -% -Chuck Norris checks under his bed for Fedor Emelianenko because he takes Fedor to the vet regularly. -% -Chuck Norris was the image used for Papa Smurf. -% -Chuck Norris is so scary he makes Sharks swim backwards away from him -% -When Chuck Norris tosses a coin, it lands on both head and tail. -% -Chuck Norris found the last digit of pie -% -Chuck Norris Watches "the Nat.Geo. Specials" on Discovery Channel -% -James Bond has a license to kill. He got it from Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris -% -"The Big Chuck Norris Roundhouse-Kick Theory" -% -That's not an eclipse....that's the sun hiding from Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't like Mudkipz -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t eat salad, he eats vegetarians -% -Every time there's an earthquake, you know Chuck Norris is hungry. The earthquake is caused by his stomach growling. -% -Chuck Norris wasn't born on his birthday -% -One time a test cheated on Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris won a stepdance contest by standing on his hands -% -Chuck Norris thretened to kill Michael Jackson, MJ got so scared to turned white. -% -When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part. -% -Chuck Norris is the life of parties he dosen't attend -% -Chuck Norris can rub two fires together and make a stick! -% -Contrary to popular beleif, Rome WAS built in a day, by Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris rolled a 20 on a 6 sided die. -% -When chuck Norris was in school, he made his PE teacher run laps. -% -Chuck Norris wins NASCAR races with all right turns. -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -Chuck Norris is waiting for Mt. St. Helens to erupt again. He's hoping the lava is hot enough to soften his beard so he can shave for the first time. -% -Chuck Norris is overra... -% -Chuck Norris was originally in Mortal Kombat, but that version was deleted because no one can beat Chuck Norris in a fight. -% -Chuck Norris likes everyone on the earth, cause everyone he didn't like... Is dead... -% -Chunk Norris can make sour milk turn fresh -% -There is no limbo, only a world that doesn't know of Chuck Norris -% -Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter -% -Dog the Bounty Hunter can't track Chuck Norris down. -% -Abraham Lincoln didn't die because he was shot, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked so fast his foot went back in time and killed Abraham Lincoln. -% -When Chuck Norris inhales helium, his voice doesn't change. -% -When Chuck Norris drinks water, the water automatically pasteurized. -% -Chuck Norris once punched the ground to stop an earthquake. The resulting aftershock caused the BP oil spill -% -Chuck Norris can play the death waltz with his chin. -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -More of a question than a fact: in a fight between Chuck Norris and Gordan Freeman who would win? -% -Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone. -% -Chuck Norris can grill a popsicle -% -Chuck Norris' films are factual documentaries. -% -Casinos pay Chuck Norris not to play at anything or wish anyone good luck. -% -Chuck Norris once got a 200 yard punt return -% -Every line in a Chuck Norris haiku is "A roundhouse kick to the face." And they all have the correct number of syllables. -% -An angry glare from Chuck Norris is known to kill on the spot. -% -Evolution's driving mechanism is nature's desperate attempt to escape Chuck Norris. -% -When President Roosevelt dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, he did so only because it was more human then sending Chuck Norris. -% -Don't get Chuck Norris angry, last time somebody did that Chuck Norris made the Grand Canyon. -% -In Texas, there are five sizes for fountain drinks: small, medium, large, Texas sized, and Chuck Norris Sized. It is a cup made of a human skull. -% -After Chuck counted to infinity the first time, he vowed to count to infinity a second time....by counting the bodies of those previously roundhoused. -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -Taking Karate Lessons = $100, Buying MMA DVD's= $150, Subscribing to a UFC event = $50, Getting a Roundhouse Kick from Chuck Norris = PRICELESS -% -Chuck Norris played the game of thrones and won -% -Chuck Norris doesn't need sunglasses, the sun needs Chuck Norris glasses -% -Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number, you just answer the wrong phone. -% -Chuck Norris once won the tour de france riding a " big wheel" -% -May the Force be with Chuck Norris... for it's own good. -% -Chuck Norris once played Duck Duck Goose with a group of Kindergarteners. Only one kid made it to first grade -% -During the Civil War Chuck Norris was a slave, his master would often beg him for mercy -% -Chuck Norris' glass is never half full or half empty. It stays full even after he takes a drink. -% - King Kong climbed the Empire State building in fear of Chuck Norris who was downstairs at the time. -% -Chuck Norris can French kiss his elbow. -% -Chuck Norris never trains, because he's Chuck Norris. -% -Every phobia known to man has a phobia of Chuck Norris -% -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. -% -Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. -% -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. -% -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. -% -There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. -% -When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. -% -Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. -% -Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. -% -Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. -% -Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. -% -Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. -% -Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. -% -Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. -% -If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. -% -Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. -% -There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. -% -The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. -% -Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. -% -The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. -% -Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. -% -Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. -% -Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. -% -Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. -% -Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. -% -Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. -% -The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. -% -Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. -% -Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. -% -If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. -% -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. -% -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. -% -Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. -% -CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. -% -Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. -% -What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. -% -Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. -% -Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. -% -Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. -% -Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. -% -A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. -% -Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. -% -Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. -% -Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." -% -Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. -% -Once upon a time, Chuck Norris found himself in a town called Shit Creek.....He opened a Paddle Store. -% -Chuck Norris Can Power Solar Panels. At Night. -% -When Betty White gets angry, she turns into the Hulk. When Valerie Bertinelli gets mad, she turns into Chuck Norris. -% -Chuck Norris is so hard, he uses diamonds as stress balls. -% -Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick someone through a window without breaking the glass -% -Chuck Norris. Enough said. -% -The letters in Chuck Norris cannot be unscrambled. -% -Chuck Norris once taught a class of martial arts.Unfortunately Chuck had forgiven to take elephant tranquilizers and killed every one just by saluting +Chuck Norris can watch the radio. % Chuck Norris was heard in a soundproof room! % -Chuck Norris can see in 3D with just one eye. +Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick can cure any injury or sickness. Ironically, it is impossible to survive one. % -Chuck Norris owns all number 1 pencils. +Chuck Norris is no man, no woman, no God, no Devil. Chuck Norris is simply Chuck Norris. % -Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face. +The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence. % -Chuck Norris doesn’t brew up tea. He sucks the bag. +when chuck norris has heartburn he doesn't use rolaids, he drinks napalm +% +The place known as the Bermuda Triangle is actually the secret location of Chuck Norris' dojo +% +In Pokemon FireRed and LeafGreen, you can only catch 386 Pokemon. In the same game, Chuck Norris can catch all 719 Pokemon. With a Pokeball. +% +Chuck Norris can jump out of a bottomless pit. +% +The reason spontaneous combustion happens is because Chuck Norris causes it with his breath. +% +Chuck norris doesn't turn on the shower he looks at it untill it crys +% +Chuck Norris has never shaved because he has yet to find a blade sharp enough to cut through awesome +% +Chuck Norris Taught Dumbledore how to use magic... without a wand. % When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. % @@ -1736,31 +224,31 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % -They say death by a 1000 lashes was the most painful way to die, that was before they got roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris +When Chuck Norris saw The Last Airbender he killed everyone who worked in the movie % -Chuck Norris made a statue bleed. +Chuck Norris can run.... while walking % -Dead bodies were found of people that are still alive. These people will cross Chuck Norris in the future and will be round-house kicked back in time. +Chuck Norris watches the sunset in the morning! % -The reason why batman only comes out at night is because he's afraid he might encounter Chuck Norris in the Morning and afternoon. +C_H_U_C_K_N_O_R_R_I_S are the only letter you need to know.... % -The kids said when Chuck was eating Trix cereal ´´silly Chuck, Trix are for kids´´...what happened next?..............................Darfur happened. +Chuck Norris raised the Titanic......with his fishing rod. % -Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick round houses into squares. +Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. % -Chuck Norris is allowed two carry-ons. +When Chuck Norris sees to the horizon, he see his own head. % -Chuck Norris can divide by zero. +Chuck Norris can eat string spagetti...with a spoon. % -Chuck Norris does not have a cell phone because he hears everything +The flat screen tv was invented when Chuck Norris accidentally roundhouse kicked his while working out to a tai-bo video. % -Chuck Norris isn't appropriate...appropriate isn't Chuck Norris +Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can lick his own elbow... (to remove the blood of his victims) % -Earth's rotation is purely governed by the direction that Chuck Norris is walking. +When you break a leg it is actually not your leg that is broken. It´s Chuck Norris´s leg. He owns everything including you and your pityful leg. % -Chuck Norris drowned a man ON LAND. +Chuck Norris knew that the bird is the word before The Trashmen did! % -The Jone's are trying to keep up with Chuck Norris +Spongebob was originally round and had a deep voice. Chuck Norris got pissed and roundhouse kicked him 4 times. The last kick changed his voice. % When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. % @@ -1862,31 +350,31 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % -Chuck Norris bowled a 301 after constructing another pin out of his beard hair +When Chuck Norris dies, He roundhouse kicks his ass back to earth % -The only reason that USA lost the 2011 world cup to Japan is because Chuck Norris wasn't there. +If you type “Chuck Norris” into the Google search bar and click the I’m Feeling Lucky button, your computer round house kicks you in the face holes. % -Unlike Jack Bauer, Chuck Norris doesn't need bullets. A quick roundhouse to the face kills twice as fast. +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down. % -There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up. +Duct tape can fix anything, Chuck Norris can BRAKE anything % -Chuck Norris' dog pick up after him. +Why IS the Incredible Hulk green? He saw Chuck Norris. % -Jedis are now taught to use the "Chuck" +Careful how many Chuck Norris facts you sumbit to this site. If you get declined enough times, Chuck Norris will find you... % -Chuck Norris dosent carry a list. He always knows what to do. +Chuck Norris can cough in 7 different languages. % -When Chuck Norris performs a roundhouse kick, he's actually measuring the circumference of the universe. +When Chuck Norris says "Jump"... it's already too late. % -Walker: Texas Ranger went into syndication before the first episode was shot. +Chuck Norris can write a scarier book than Stephen King using refrigerator magnets % -Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down! +Chuck Norris is so fast, light cannot find him. % -"Walker Texas Ranger: The Movie 3-D" was considered by Warner Brothers; however the technology to create the visual effects will never be possible. +When Chuck Norris' chidren use the line, "But DAD said I could do it," it works. % -When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough", he types in his name and it tells him "password too strong." +Contrary to popular belief the Death Star was destroyed by Chuck Norris, not Luke Skywalker. % -Chuck Norris isn't allowed at the zoo because when he's there the animals are terriefied to come out their cages +Chuck Norris can fly a plane backwards. % When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. % @@ -1988,31 +476,31 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % -Aliens fear that Chuck Norris might abduct them. +Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the white off of rice. % -Chuck Norris splattered tiger blood and Adonis' dna on Charlie Sheen with 1 roundhouse kick! +Chuck Norris does have skwat % -How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? No woodchuck could chuck Chuck's wood! +Chuck Norris once haunted this baby and it still screams today. That person is Justin Bieber % -The sun only rises every morning because Chuck Norris allows it to. +Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked a man between the legs so hard. Thus the first Breast implant was made % -Chuck Norris can do a regime change with a roundhouse kick. +Blake Shelton said on stage "is there anyone cooler than Usher" . Chuck Norris Payed Blake a visit after his show % -Chuck Norris CAN spell with an I before E even after C. +Chuck Norris is so fast that he can visit 12 planets at the same time. % -Ghosts can see Chuck Norris +Chuck Norris can disarranged the alphabet letters alphabetically % -The answer to life, the universe and everything isnt 42. It's Chuck Norris. +Chuck Norris couldn't go to school because he was considered a weapon. % -When Chuck Norris pokes the Pillsbury Doughboy, it's not a laughing matter. +Chuck Norris pees in a can and sells it - what we know as Red Bull. % -Chuck Norris once thought he was wrong. He was, however, mistaken. +Chuck Norris invented left and right just so he could roundhouse kick people in both directions. % -Ever wonder what really happened to the dinosaurs? They all dug their own graves when they heard Chuck Norris was coming +Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper. % -"The wind cries Chuck Norris" +Chuck Norris can't fly because everytime he catches a flight, he can't help killing it. % -Chuck Norris doesn't need a bulletproof vest. He catches them with his bare hands. +Chuck Norris beat Rocky Balboa % When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. % @@ -2114,31 +602,31 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % -Chuck Norris: even Naruto can't believe it +Chuck's fists make the speed of sound wish it was faster. % -Chuck Norris can fit 10 gallons of water in a 5 gallon water bucket +Chuck Norris recreats gravity in his own image. So he walks upside down on water. % -Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later. +Astronauts don't need a rocket to go to the moon, Chuck Norris just throws them there. % -Chuck Norris is the only one who can tear a facebook page! +Sinead O'Connor’s song “Nothing Compares To You” is a tribute to Chuck Norris. % -Chuck Norris doesn't need air, he is air +If Chuck Norris were osteoporosis, he would make old ladies moan. % -Chuck Norris once tried to teach a fat, stupid kid Martial Arts. Unsuccessfully. The kid grew up to be Steven Seagal. +When Chuck Norris dies, he won't push up daisies; he'll push up venus flytraps. % -Achievement Unlocked: Chuck Norris of Death +Chuck Norris is the only man to punch a cyclops between the eyes % -Chuck Norris is the ghost in paranormal activity. +Chuck Norris has 4 pet horses. They are white, fiery red, black, and pale, respectively. % -Chuck Norris can't get fired by Donald Trump +A bird in the hand is actually worth Chuck Norris in the bush. % -Ozzy Osbourne once accidentally bit the head off a live bat - Chuck Norris once deliberately bit the head off a live pterodactyl. +Somebody once shot a .44 magnum towards Chuck Norris' head. The bullet stopped and went back into the gun out of sheer terror. % -Note to self: Don’t be the cashier to tell Chuck Norris his coupons have expired. +Chuck Norris can not only take the words out of your mouth, he can kill you with them. % -Chuck Norris was what Willis was talking about. +Chuck Norris passed a class with an F % -Chuck Norris is entitiled to his own facts. +Chuck Norris wrote Vampires Suck, because he was angry at Stephanie Meyer. He didn't feel like roundhouse kicking anyone that day. % When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. % @@ -2240,31 +728,31 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % -While visiting the hexagon, Chuck Norris was asked to demonstrate his famous roundhouse kick. Henceforth, it has been known as the Pentagon. +Chuck Norris can win a rap battle without rhyming. % -When Chuck Norris played the card game War with a friend, France surrendered. +Chuck Norris can locate the nowhere. % -If Goliath listened to Chuck Norris he would have won. +Droid does, but Chuck Norris already did % -Chuck Norris can defuse bomb even if he cut the wrong wire +Why are there no Chuck Norris LEGOs? Because no one can take Chuck Norris apart. % -Chuck Norris sleeps in Seattle. +Chuck Norris played through the fire and flames in expert 100%, and drums and guitar at the same time % -Chuck Norris shot a man with a knife +The wonders of the world were just places where Chuck Norris got creative % -The dictionary references Chuck Norris several times, he is metioned under Fear, Law, Order and Chucktatorship. +I got a tattoo of Chuck Norris on my own leg...now it won't stop roundhouse kicking me in the face. % -Chuck Norris CAN balance the light-switch between ON and OFF. +Chuck Norris ate out of the Superbowl. % -If Chuck was ever captured, he could win a game of Russian Roulette with six bullets in the revolver, he would shoot everyone else! +The forbidden name in Harry Potter was originally Chuck Norris, but then the director got killed by saying it. % -In a rain storm Chuck Norris stays dry. Rain drops are scared to hit him. +Chuck Norris made Clint Eastwood's day. % -Chuck Norris is the reason tumbleweeds tumble +Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes; he steps on necks. % -The Earth was almost destroyed by a 50 km wide asteroid in 1984, but Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it into the Sun. +Gordon Ramsey answers "YES CHEF!" to Chuck Norris. % -Chuck Norris can terminate a repeating decimal. +Chuck Norris can BBM with a Nokia % When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. % @@ -2366,31 +854,1291 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % +If you can hear death coming, rest assured it isn't Chuck Norris. +% +Super massive black holes are caused by Chuck Norris roundhouse kicking galaxies +% +Some people fold dollar bills into swans, Chuck Norris folds dimes into peoples foreheads. +% +The ancient Norwegian spelling of Chuck Norris is 'Thor', and Mjolnir is actually Chuck's....... +% +Chuck Norris has lit a fire at the bottom of the lake (with matches) +% +If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass. +% +Randy Johnson can throw a fastball 101mph. Chuck Norris can throw Randy Johnson 101mph. +% +Once a man crossing the street insulted Chuck Norris. He was instantly hit by a bus. At least, that's what people think happened. +% +If Chuck Norris were driving this bus, we'd already be there +% +People drink red bull. The Red bull only drinks Chuck Norris... +% +Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick can cure any injury or sickness. Ironically, it is impossible to survive one. +% +We do infact, live in 5 dimensions; height, width, length, time, and Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris can be a logger in a world with no trees. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Chuck Norris can win a football game by spiking a tennis ball over a volleyball net. +% +Daylights saving time was only invented so Chuck Norris could have one hour extra sleep +% +Chuck will cry only on his death. +% +They said that not even God could sink the Titanic. The iceberg story was a cover-up to avoid embarrassment. It really collided with Chuck Norris. +% +Sticks and stones may break my bones but Chuck Norris will roundhouse your chin +% +Lightning never strikes twice in the same place because Chuck Norris told it not to. +% +Chuck Norris can hide an elephant in a mousehole. +% +Cocaine is Chuck Norris' dandruff +% +Chuck Norris can do the splits in mid air,rotate his hips 360'' so fast it lifts him off the ground thus making the Chuck Copter! +% +If Chuck Norris wants it to be ebb, he simply says that. +% +Chuck Norris can melt paper and burn fire. +% +Chuck Norris occasionally plays hackysack with small boulders, like Mount Rushmore. +% +Chuck Norris sends his beard clippings to the police. They are used as bullet proof vests. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t have an ATM PIN – the machine just spits out cash – at every bank! +% +Chuck norris made the nervous system everyone has it because everyone is scared of him o.0 +% +When Chuck Norris has a bone to pick, it's always the jawbone. +% +When Chuck Norris plays space invaders the world gets abducted by aliens +% +Chuck Norris pees Adamantium +% +Chuck Norris stole Christmas back from the Grinch and made his heart 4 sizes bigger with a roundhouse kick. +% +Chuck Norris can teleport himself anywhere in the universe by simply using a Casio calculator watch. +% +For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls. +% +In 2012, the first world leader is expected to emerge...his name? You guessed it, Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not believe in walls. +% +Chuck Norris can handle the truth. +% +Chuck Norris is the only person that can get buffalo wings from a real buffalo. +% +Chuck Norris can jump start a car simply by holding the battery terminals +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +When his Playstation 2 quit on him, he got angry and judo-chopped it so hard that it became a PS3. +% +Chuck Norris wrote his own IMDB profile using the power of his beard +% +When Chuck Norris wants salmon he eats the bear too. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't ride in elevators. The elevator rides around Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky +% +Pluto used to be considered a planet... Until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it out of the list +% +Chuck Norris graduated college in one hour. +% +Chuck Norris can kill you when his arms and legs are behind his back. It's because he has an extra fist in his beard. +% +Chuck Norris climbed Mountain Dew. +% +On Mortal Combat Chuck Norris only has 1 move, roundhouse kick, but it's 1 hit kill +% +Chuck Norris once bought a Ferrari. He sold it only after an hour, because the Ferrari is slower than his crawl +% +Chuck Norris can drive a solar-powered car at night. +% +The most reliable form of renewable energy is found in CnRhk (Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick) but the tehnology to harness it just hasn't been invented. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Cops don't need a badges in their wallets but only a picture of Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - backwards. +% +Chuck Norris made Clint Eastwood's day. +% +C.I.A. = Chuck Is Awesome +% +If Chuck Norris needs a gun, he sticks two fingers out and shoots. If he needs a silencer, he takes his other hand and wraps it around his fingers. +% +Chuck Norris thrives on arsenic and redefines life as we know it. +% +When Chuck Norris inhales helium his voice does not change. +% +Chuck Norris can post 151 character long facts about himself. +% +Chuck Norris once had a street named after him. But the name removed at once, because nobody crosses Chuck Norris, and lives +% +There is no such thing as a Chuck Norris joke, only a Chuck Norris fact, because if you joke about Chuck Norris you would be dead. +% +When Chuck Norris eats a skittle he doesn't taste the rainbow he makes the rainbow +% +Chuck Norris has three meals a day; blood, sweat, and tears. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't actually play any musical instrument. When Chuck Norris comes near, it plays itself and Chuck Norris just has to hold it. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Chuck Norris once round house kicked a fat kid in the stomach and his foot print stayed their until the kid lost the weight +% +Stonehedge was built by Chuck Norris himself +% +The people who wrote this song about Chuck Norris spelt it wrong, it's supposed to be "Silent Knight" +% +Freddy krueger is scared to sleep because chuck norris might show up and roundhouse kick him +% +Chuck Norris is so great there is no need to make this joke funny. +% +Chuck Norris can actually punch you in your soul. +% +Chuck Norris has Pop Rocks and Coke for breakfast. +% +If you look closely at a picture of Atlas holding up the World, below you will see Chuck Norris holding up both of them. +% +A Chuck Norris divided against himself CAN stand +% +Chuck Norris doesn't need sunglasses, the sun needs Chuck Norris glasses +% +NASA beams episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger to outer space as a warning for Aliens of what will happen if they invade Earth. +% +Chuck Norris was born tomorrow and is gonna start living yesterday. +% +Chuck Norris once fell while climbing in California. It is now known as the San Andreas Fault +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +While vacationing in France, Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France. +% +Chuck Norris CAN keep up with the Joneses +% +Whenever Chuck Norris eats a Chinese dinner, he uses toothpicks as his chopsticks. +% +Chuck Norris can make Joker became serious +% +Chuck Norris can complete the Cinnamon Challenge, with his mouth taped shut. +% +Once, Chuck Norris was asked to fight The Most Interesting Man in the World. Chuck Norris cock slammed him so hard, they felt the Earth move in Haiti +% +Chuck Norris never breaks the law. He obliterates it. +% +The only thing faster than the speed of light is the speed of Chuck Norris' fist +% +Chuck Norris wasn't born, he just exists. +% +Unlike Justin Bieber, Chuck Norris CAN walk through glass doors. +% +The only thing to fear is fear itself.........and Chuck Norris! +% +If Chuck Norris was a yu-gi-oh card it's effect would be make all monster DEF turn to 0, because there is no such thing as defence from Chuck Norris +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go fishing when he's hungry. He just chooses a lake to be soup. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Actually, Chuck Norris killed two stones with one beard. The dude who posted it wrong is now moments away from a painful death. +% +Chuck Norris won the Superbowl, NBA Finals, Stanley Cup, and the World Series all in the same year... alone +% +Kevin Garnett was crying and exclaimed "Anything is Possible!" not because they won the NBA championship. He was just thinking about Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck was hit by a car once, the car was in critical condition. +% +When Chuck Norris takes a bath he does not get clean, the water gets dirty. +% +Clifford the Big Red Dog was a runt...until Chuck Norris adopted him. +% +Chuck Norris puts phone companies on hold. +% +Chuck Norris ran in an Iron Man competition, raced up to the announcer, and t-bagged him in the face all within the blink of .000000000000 seconds +% +Chuck Norris' phone doesn't vibrate, it shakes with fear! +% +Chuck Norris cleans his grill with his beard +% +Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle – you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face. +% +Chuck Norris once went to a Chiropractor and straightened HIM out. +% +Chuck Norris has never acted in a movie or tv show, he just shows up, round house kicks someone and gets paid. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Chuck Norris can build a campfire under water +% +Facebook created Chuck Norris account without username and password because Chuck Norris doesn't need it to Log in. +% +When Chuck Norris has an opinion, everyone agrees. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't have a break for a Kit-Kat, a Kit-Kat has a break for Chuck Norris. +% +The last time Chuck Norris played battleship, it was called Pearl Harbor +% +Chuck never auditioned for Walker Texas Ranger, a camera crew turned up at his house and secretly filmed him. +% +Chuck Norris knows when to quit. He just hasn't ever found it necessary. +% +One day Michael Jackson challenged Chuck Norris into a dancing contest. That was on June 25th 2009. Guess who won. +% +Chuck Norris is all fingers and thumbs. in your face. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't need extra batteries; his stuff runs on fear. +% +Fast food is slow by Chuck Norris' standards. +% +Chuck Norris' force is more powerful then gravity itself. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Chuck Norris can wash his clothes in a dryer +% +Chuck Norris once won a game of Space Invaders without shooting +% +When Chuck Norris stares at the Sun, the Sun goes blind. +% +The 300 is actually the retelling of Chuck Norris's time in the army. +% +Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it, too. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't swim with dolphins, he bikes with them! +% +How come The Chinese and Indians outnumber Americans by billions? Because after Bruce Lee died the number 1 cause of death is in America: Chuck Norris +% +The speed of light is the only speed that was recorded to be 20000000000mph slower than chuck norris' "kill" speed +% +Chuck Norris kills 99.9% of germs. The rest commit suicide. +% +When Chuck Norris asks you to stop mid-sentence, you +% +Chuck Norris doesn't fly through the air; the air moves out of Chuck Norris's way. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door +% +Chuck Norris can deny the "License Agreement" and still be able to install the software +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris throws you into a bottomless pit, you hit the bottom. +% +OMG Chuck Norris is right behind you +% +Chuck Norris knows when you are sleeping, and he knows when you're awake. But the only present he'll ever bring you is a roundhouse kick to the face. +% +You can thank Chuck Norris that Osama bin Laden is at least on dialysis. +% Chuck Norris doesn't look for fun. The fun looks for Chuck Norris. % -Chuck Norris starts his day with 6 live chickens two cows, three pigs and a boiling hot cup of pure fury +If Chuck Norris fights with himself, he'll win TWICE! % -The only word that rhymes with orange is Chuck Norris +The Walking Dead is a support group for Chuck Norris victims % -Everyone is so scared of Chuck Norris that they kiss his arse by writing these facts, too right they should +Chuck norris invented the straw. His enemies must eat somehow. % -gmail@chucknorris.com +Chuck Norris kicked Matthew Fox and he got Lost % -Chuck Norris play's Texas hold em with Zeus, every second Wednesday of the month +Charlie Sheen calls it 'winning'. Winning calls it 'Chuck Norris'. % -Chuck Norris has killed the Dead Sea +They say death by a 1000 lashes was the most painful way to die, that was before they got roundhouse kicked in the face by Chuck Norris % -On the keyboard there is no control button because Chuck Norris is always in control. +Chuck Norris doesn't get lost in the jungle, the jungle gets lost in Chuck Norris' beard. % -The truth hurts dosen't it, Chuck Norris' truth kills. -% -Chuck Norris sent a BBM to an iphone. -% -When Presidents speak, their nation listens. When Chuck Norris blinks, the whole World listens. -% -Chuck Norris once cried just to see what it was like. The end result was the creation of life. -% -Chuck Norris is the reason that the world will end in 2012. He was getting bored with the Earth +There is only one fact....Chuck Norris!!! % When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. % @@ -2492,29 +2240,281 @@ Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was % Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. % -Only Chuck Norris is stronger than an Altoid. +Chuck Norris can travel by paper airplane. % -Chuck Norris has a battlecruiser AND a car. +The dinosaurs aren't extinct. They're just hiding from Chuck Norris. % -Chuck Norris burnt a fire proof vest, UNDERWATER! +Astrological fact: The date on which Chuck allowed you to be born will determine your Norriscope. % -Chuck Norris was once turned down for American Idol. When Simon was questioned about it, he replied "I'm retiring after this season". I wonder why? +Chuck Norris once cured a blind man. Too bad the last thing he ever saw was Chuck's boot. % -Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square. +Next time you get into a car, check the back seats, Chuck Norris can be there. % -When Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you HE decides when you will feel the impact . +Chuck Norris found Waldo, roundhoused him, into space. that's why the world can't find him. % -Chuck Norris made the big bang just by clicking his fingers +There's no such thing as air-conditioning, that's just Chuck Norris breathing at a constant rate. % -Trick me once, shame on you, trick Chuck Norris.....rest in peace. +When Chuck Norris parties he doesn't throw up, he throws down % -Chuck Norris doesn't fight. He gives motivational seminars to die on their own to avoid a roundhouse kick to the face. +If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck then it's probably someone roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris. % -This one time at band camp... BAM! Chuck Norris. +Chuck Norris never swam. Every time he was about to get in a pool the water ran away in terror! % -Chuck Norris protects his body guards. +Chuck Norris can block a punch with his face. % -Chuck Norris watched the first steps on the moon... From his summer home on Mars +Once, during a game of Monopoly, Chuck Norris ate $723 dollars, 2 train stations, a get-out-of-jail-free card, and the banker % -The Earth is made up of two-thirds water and one-third Chuck Norris. +Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body. +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Wheaties is the Breakfast of Champions. Champions are the Breakfast of Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris sweeps the floor using his eyelashes. +% +Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. +% +Chuck Norris complained to the restaurant that there was a waiter in his soup. +% +Every line in a Chuck Norris haiku is "A roundhouse kick to the face." And they all have the correct number of syllables. +% +The Death Star wasn't yet truly operational when Princess Leia was a captive on board. The Emperor actually hired Chuck Norris to destroy Alderaan. +% +Chuck Norris is both a rock and a hard place. +% +Chuck Norris Made Wilhelm scream... +% +Chuck Norris IS hot blooded, check it and see, however the last person who attempted to check Chuck's temperature got cold response. +% +Chuck Norris received his pilots license by just looking at an airplane. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't laugh, he chuckles. +% +Simalar to Link's sword in The Legend of Zelda, Chuck Norris can shoot fist beams, as well as roundhouse kick beams to get you from a long distance. +% +Chuck Norris used to love playing with spinning tops as a child these are now known as black holes +% +When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live. +% +Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. +% +Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. +% +Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. +% +Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. +% +Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. +% +There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist. +% +When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. +% +Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. +% +Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush. +% +Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is. +% +Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door. +% +Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost. +% +Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV. +% +Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship. +% +If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever. +% +Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people. +% +There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. +% +The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain. +% +Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill. +% +The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer. +% +Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. +% +Chuck Norris is my Homeboy. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING. +% +Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks. +% +Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. +% +Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down. +% +Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing. +% +The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. +% +Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. +% +Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous. +% +If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. +% +When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever. +% +The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist. +% +Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear. +% +CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time. +% +Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. +% +What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe. +% +Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. +% +Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide. +% +Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out. +% +Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them. +% +A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there. +% +Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia. +% +Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Massacre. +% +Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." +% +Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face. +% +Chuck Norris can buy Adidas shoes from Nike +% +Chuck Norris can beat a ski jump with a hop, skip and jump +% +Note to everyone: Please do not give beans to Chuck Norris or do you want another atombomb on hiroshima? +% +The reason we are human is because Chuck roundhouse kicked a monkey into a higher species. +% +Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie. +% +Chuck Norris has never won a single fight. Winning would imply some sort of competition or chance that he could loose. +% +Look behind you, HE'S THERE +% +Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that never loses the game +% +Stewie's head is shaped like a football because Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him for stealing his motto. "Victory is mine!" +% +There is in fact an "I" in Norris, but there is no "team"… not even close. +% +Chuck Norris can watch T.V even when the electricity is off! +% +When playing Oblivion, Chuck Norris CAN escape the masters vigilance +% +Chuck Norris had six kids, they were called SEAL TEAM 6 % diff --git a/plugins/chucknorris/tools/scrape-norris.zsh b/plugins/chucknorris/tools/scrape-norris.zsh index 5d992c5ef..908625fb2 100755 --- a/plugins/chucknorris/tools/scrape-norris.zsh +++ b/plugins/chucknorris/tools/scrape-norris.zsh @@ -27,6 +27,8 @@ # # This script is intended to be executable and run in its own shell. It assumes it's # independent, and leaks variables whenever it wants. +# +# Dependencies: perl, fortune if [[ -n $1 ]]; then npages=$1 @@ -37,7 +39,8 @@ outfile="fortunes/chucknorris" # Page that presents chuckpage='http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/all-chuck-norris-facts' rm $outfile -echo Fetching $npages pages worth of fortunes from $chuckpage +echo Fetching from Chuck repository: $chuckpage +echo Fetching $npages pages worth of fortunes for (( i = 1; i <= $npages; i++ )) do curl -s $chuckpage\?page\=$i | perl -MHTML::Entities -ne \ '/(.*?)